Kat’s Window

Living in this massive city can leave you feeling like a little speck of dust. I am a country mouse so when I hit Bangkok, I felt more like a mite. I was used to bumping into familiar faces at the post office or driving behind my neighbour on the way home from work. I always believed that small towns were more able to give you that good-ole Bermuda Triangle feeling. I figured it would be impossible to feel in synch with Thailand. I was only being skeptical. Call it synchronicity or call it coincidence, it does happen, even in humungous Bangkok. On one of my very first days here, I was blasting the stereo and listening to the rock band ‘Nirvana.’ While I was head banging around the house the exterminator showed up. It was a 60-year-old man wearing a ‘Nirvana’ T-shirt with their album ‘Nevermind’ advertised across the back. My hopes were raised.

Back in the hottest month of the year (April), I foolishly decided to sell some used books back in the heart of the city. I was waiting out on the sweltering sidewalk to get my empty crates back. I was feeling extremely grateful that I had chosen not to live in the downtown area. It was a particularly noisy, steamy, chaotic mess that day. I could not wait to get out of there. I thought to myself, “If I lived here, I would totally lose my mind. Definitely. Without question.”

I noticed a young guy walking up the street towards me. He was about 25 years of age and was carrying a fast food soft drink container in one hand. He looked like an average chap with khaki pants, T-shirt, and short brown hair. I grew curious as he headed directly for me despite the fact that the sidewalk was almost empty. He stopped directly in front of my nose and stated, “I think I am about to totally lose my mind.” Without further ado, he walked on.

In October I had some friends visiting from the States. We were driving out in the countryside. A motorcycle drove past us. There was an adorable little girl wearing a bright red Santa Claus hat sitting on the front of it. Everyone noticed her. The next evening we went to a fair. There she was! Sitting on the front of the motorcycle again, but this time the motorcycle was parked. We all exclaimed, “Look! It’s the girl in the Santa hat!” She pulled the hat over her face to avoid further attention.

Recently on a trip up to Suphanburi, we were looking for a hotel in the rather bleak looking ‘downtown’ area. It was dark and the task was difficult. We spotted a building set back from the street and decided to check it out. Lucky us! We had not only found a resting spot on our first try, but the name of the place was KAT HOTEL. How cool!

All of the linens had KAT HOTEL written on them. I really wanted a towel, sheet, and pillowcase as souvenirs. How could I resist? I did not even know I had a hotel named after me! Arranging the purchase was quite an event. First we asked the desk clerk. The desk clerk asked the desk manager. The desk manager asked the head of housekeeping. Housekeeping gave the owner a call. The owner consulted with her husband. A price was fixed and off I went with personalized bedding.

I was channel surfing last night. My eyes widened as I saw my hometown Wal-Mart flash across the screen. Could it really be? It turns out that National Geographic sent a guy down the Connecticut River in a birch bark canoe. Here I am in Thailand with a remote control in hand exclaiming, “I know that house!” as the guy paddled through my former life. Was the television sending me a cryptic message? All I know was that it made me homesick.

I have managed to pass the same middle-aged man wearing a hideous bright orange and yellow Hawaiian shirt three times in one day in completely different parts of town. I could not help noticing him because I also could not help noticing his shirt.

Perhaps some of you can remember back to the Kat’s Window issue with the sleeping child wearing a T-shirt that proclaimed “SLEEPING CHILDREN OF THE WORLD” on the front. It is a known fact that I am easily amused.

Perhaps you think I have fallen off the deep end, but moments of synchronicity help me feel that I am somehow in the right place, at the right time, and that yes, I am somehow (don’t ask me how) part of something much bigger.

I am a seasoned veteran when it comes to dealing with woodstoves. There are certain domestic events that occur in Bangkok that I am simply not used to handling. Let’s take Sunday morning as an example. Staggering into the kitchen to get my first cup of coffee, I noticed my kitten peering curiously at something on the small rug in front of the door. I assumed she was playing with something, of course not an actual kitten toy purchased at the store, but more interesting things like a piece of paper, a pen, or a napkin. She had stumbled upon her best find yet, a one-metre-long brown snake.

I have a snake phobia. I screamed. No more need for a cup of coffee to bring my brain to life. I ended up scaring the snake, too. Out it went magically fitting itself under the incredibly narrow gap at the bottom of my kitchen door. Thinking back on the incident, the snake seems more like it was a ten-metre-long monster with eyes as big as bowling balls and fangs as big as forks.

After this incident I developed a morning ritual. Before my feet even hit the downstairs floor I started banging and screaming to scare any potential visitors away. This takes a lot of effort first thing in the morning. Everyone who knows me knows that I hate mornings.

I recently learned that they actually make snake guards. These are plastic jams that you place under your door. Believe it or not, they are available at most shopping centres. What a wonderful invention! I am the proud owner of one now and I no longer have to scream my head off before going down the staircase.

Having a snake in my kitchen is the most terrifying event to happen at the house so far. There have been other unique events. Rat invasions. Rats are very clever fellows indeed. They know how to get into closed cabinets. They like to hide from the rain and end up using my attic as a playground. Get a bunch of them together and it sounds like a Sumo wresting match is going on above my head. I started hunting them down. They got angry and retaliated by dragging old newspapers into my light bulb fixtures. They almost burned the house down.

Other animal events include the numerous stray cats and dogs who wander into my yard seeking refuge. This always calls for an emotional crisis on my part. It is a miracle that I am not the proud owner of 65 canines and 34 felines by now. It remains to be seen whether or not I continue to successfully turn them away after a nice meal and some pats.

Water mishaps are also common. I believe the public works department must be psychic. As soon as you put a big glob of shampoo in your hair the water vanishes, only to return when it feels good and ready.

The snake inflicted mental damage. My electrical system has inflicted thousands of dollars of physical damage so far. Imagine this. A gigantic electric surge heads towards my house. My electric breaker system decides it wants to quit and lights itself on fire. Roughly 400 volts of raw electricity take out my stereo, television, VCR, electric fans, and alarm clock. The computer remains unharmed. An absolute miracle.

Electrical surges and ungrounded wiring systems can also make dinner a real blast. I sometimes like to cook on an electric table grill. If you want to flip over your cooking piece of meat, your fork acts as a conductor and ZAP! Enjoy your meal!

About one month ago a shiny red mailbox with the word AIRBOURNE written on it popped up next to my front door. I figured that the postal guy was being really nice and decided to provide me with my very own box. I was thrilled. I started tossing my airmail in it.

Our neigbourhood has one guardhouse at the main entrance although there are about ten other roads leading into the village. This guardhouse is a strange feature and is mostly used for watching TV, playing checkers, drinking beer, or taking a nap.

The guards must have gotten in trouble for just hanging around all the time. They have now been assigned these very sophisticated uniforms with the word ‘AIRBOURNE’ written on the sleeve. They have also been handed out handcuffs and knives. They now spend the day riding bikes around the neighbourhood making sure all is well.

The guards are required to sign a piece of paper saying that they rode by such and such house at such and such time and everything was A.O.K. They put this piece of paper in that shiny red box, you know, the one that I use for my airmail. I bet they are wondering what all those letters are doing in there!

I remember back to the days when I was a typical pain-in-the-neck teenager. My parents would ask me, “Where are you going?” and I would answer as them as vaguely and mysteriously as possible. Even if I was only walking to the mailbox I would say, “I’m going out” or only the word “Out” just to annoy them. I am certain that this answer is still alive and well today among teenagers.

Well, as you get older people seem to care less and less about where you are going and you usually care less about making it a secret. That is until you reach Thailand. It seems no matter who you are or what your age is, in Thailand everyone wants to know where you are going. This is usually stated as, “Where you go?” in the prominent spoken English of Thailand. I am asked this question every day.

Trying to get out of my house can be tricky. If a person does not ask me where I am going, then my dog certainly will. For almost two years I have politely spelled out all of my destinations before leaving my house. “I am going for a walk in the park. I will take a motorcycle taxi and go grocery shopping. I am going to get a snack. I need milk. I am going to buy fruit. I am going out to dinner…” and so forth.

When I make it out on to the street, the drivers of various forms of transportation will spot me and ask me once again, “Where are you going?” If I just want to go for a walk, I explain. If I am looking for a taxi and not a motorcycle, I explain that, too. People sitting around playing checkers or hanging out have also been known to scream the famous question out as I pass by, usually in the form of “Hey you! Where you go?”

Between you and me, always being asked where I am going sometimes gets on my nerves. It’s not that I am up to anything subversive or usually even slightly interesting. I just don’t get why everyone needs to know where I am going all the time. I mean, come on, I am not a teenager anymore!

I have always looked at “Where are you going?” as a form of chitchat, a social custom and a way of being nice. The equivalent to this back in the United States could be, “Have a nice day!” which is exclaimed by every cashier on your way out of the store. There is also the infamous, “How are you?” to which the answer is always, “Fine.” Even when I am not having a nice day or when I am not fine at all, I just play along. The same goes for “Where are you going?”

It turns out that I have been making a complicated mental mess out of something that is actually quite simple. I have finally learned that all of my explanations have been absolutely and totally unnecessary. In the Thai language there is an answer equivalent to my teenage reply of “out.” What a relief!

When asked “Where are you going?”, there are two very short and acceptable answers as possibilities in the Thai language. The Thai word for work or business (thura) or the word for pleasure or fun (thiau) can be used. The scenario goes like this: Question: “Where are you going?” Answer #1) “For work.” Answer #2) “For fun.” Or if you want to get really into it, answer #3) “For work and fun.”

These answers are not seen as being rude, vague, or mysterious at all, which is absolutely great! The subject is dropped and off you go. (Unlike with my father who always said, “What do you mean by ‘OUT’!”)

Work is work but heading off for some fun in Thailand can last anywhere from four minutes to four months. Pleasure and fun (thiau) is not to be confused with vacation. It can happen anytime, anywhere, with no planning at all. It does not even matter if you reach your destination. You just need to have fun along the way.

Fun in Thailand can be anything from a walk in the park to a day of fishing. It can include piling your friends into a pickup truck and heading off into the wild blue yonder. Picnics, soccer games, a night at the movies, going to a concert, or heading off to a club are also included.

I must have sounded quite stupid back when I was walking around earnestly giving full explanations of my every move. Life has become much more simple for me and for all of those who suffered through my paragraphs. All they were waiting for was one simple word. When it comes right down to it, that is all life really is anyways, work and play.

The other day I was nonchalantly walking up one of downtown Bangkok’s main streets, Suhkumvit Road for those of you who know it. I had spent some time hunting for a birthday present for my mom to no avail. Suddenly I heard a commotion and looked up. It was generated by a group of three very large and tall white men who were all laughing and pointing their fingers at something. I stopped to see what was going on.

There was a very old and thin man, around the age of 70. He was hunched over and cutting the grass with a long pair of clippers in the hot sun in front of Burger King. He was the target of their pointing. He also knew that he was the object of attention. I watched his face. First it showed concern that he had done something wrong. Then his expression changed to a look of absolute bewilderment. The final expression was that of sadness and wishing very much that he could be invisible. He did not need a translator to know that he was being ridiculed.

I listened in on the laughing and pointing guys while I was taking it all in. It turns out that these three tourists found it absolutely hysterical that in this super-slick modern section of town a simple pair of shears was being used to keep the grass short in front of something as impressive and high-tech as Burger King.

I got really angry, something I do not do very much these days. I thought about telling the guys off. I even thought about screaming at them, but instead ended up giving them a look of contempt and walking on. Perhaps they got my message and perhaps not. They simply walked on, too. On to the next meal, the next beer, the next souvenir shop, the next game of pool, the next person to ridicule, who knows.

If I could make a wish right now it would be that these three guys spend a month or two clipping grass in downtown Bangkok for a living. Hey, they could make up to 100 baht a day (2.32 US Dollars), and maybe people could stop and laugh at them too. No soothing vacation on the glorious beaches of Thailand, no taking in Thailand’s wild nightlife where one beer costs the old man’s daily wage. Just a pair of clippers. Cancel the hotel reservations and get to work!

I am perpetually amazed by some of the tourists who come floating through Thailand. They have an efficient and punctual agenda. They have spent hours on the Internet, hours with their noses buried in guidebooks, and hours tracking flight schedules, visa requirements, prices, tours, and vaccination recommendations. I believe that at least one percent of this time should be spent learning about the culture and customs of the destination.

I have met a person who knew the ‘ten most important things to see in Bangkok’ list by heart and who proceeded into a temple half-naked and sat against the wall with the soles of her feet pointing at the Buddha image she ‘had’ to see. I have also seen a person take their fist and literally pound several times on the very famous Reclining Buddha in Wat Po near the Grand Palace in Bangkok. I was utterly amazed. I could not resist. I asked him, “What do you think you are doing?” The response was mind blowing. “I just wanted to see if it was solid or not.” Great. So the next time he heads into a church, shall we all assume he will proceed to knock on the head of Jesus to determine if the material is solid or hollow? Argh.

Thankfully Thai people are the most non-aggressive, friendly, and accepting bunch I have ever come across and are experts at acceptance. When half-naked sunburned backpackers roll into town, it looks extremely bizarre. When visitors have a day of fun sunbathing naked in Muslim areas of Thailand, Thais are not so rude as to point and laugh. But they are disturbed. They view these visitors to their country as being rude.

The other side of the coin is that the visitors have money, and money is really important. Millions of tourists bring millions of dollars and are tolerated all the more because of this. At the same time how very funny it is to hear some of those who have magically afforded a flight ticket halfway around the world proclaiming how very broke they are as they argue over prices at the markets.

Maybe I am being over critical. I just want to say that it might not be a bad idea to practice some basic ground rules while walking on new grounds. A little bit of effort goes a long way. Most of us already know this.

It has been over three weeks since the incident in front of Burger King took place. It remains stuck in my head. I still see the look on the old man’s face. It makes my heart sink.