Kat’s Window

Every time I go shopping at my local grocery store, I end having a chuckle or two. After my most recent visit to ‘Big C’, I left determined to write an article declaring my love for this establishment. An alarmingly loud live karaoke performance in front of the checkout counters had left me smitten.

I admit, when I first met Big C, I was less than thrilled. It smelled pretty bad. I recognized only about 35 percent of all items for sale in the store. It lacked in organizational logic and the kinds of food I was used to eating.

I decided that I was not willing to go chasing after special western ingredients, especially in the chaos of Bangkok. Although there are stores that cater specifically to western needs, all are over 35 plus minutes away from my house. Big C is only three. A long time ago I made an oath to make friends with Big C and I am glad I did. Why? Because many wonderfully absurd things happen at this store.

I was around for Big Cs’ anniversary celebrations this year. Lucky me. The management not only got its hands on a ‘Happy Birthday’ tape, but also managed to find a copy of ‘The Hokey Pokey.’ They alternated playing these two albums for weeks. As I wheeled my cart around, I had the option to put my left foot in or take my right foot out. All of the cashiers even got to wear funny hats during this festive event.

And then something scary happened. The biggest competitor of all, the almighty ‘Lotus Super Center’, opened its doors just a hop skip and a jump down the street. Everyone flocked to check it out. I found it way too big and on top of that Lotus Super Center gave me the eerie feeling that I had somehow been magically teleported back to America. Kentucky Fried Chicken, McDonald’s, Au Bon Pain (sometimes called ‘Oh, What a pain!’ in Bangkok as a joke), and bright blasting neon lights sent me running back to good ole Big C.

Alas, Big C retaliated against Lotus Super Center by completely renovating, remodeling and moving all of its aisles. This was not good for me. Not good at all. All of the hours I had spent practicing finding my shopping list went up in smoke. I was miffed. But the store smelled better, for a while at least, and Big C launched a campaign to make shopping more fun.

They gave even more clerks microphones to scream into as they announced the hot sales of the day at their respective counters. They provided more free samples of food and had vendors showcase goods outside of the store. From how to creatively use (and hopefully buy) plastic containers to pick up truck exhibitions to construction companies modeling small dream houses, you can now always catch a sideshow while shopping.

If there is nothing particularly special happening on a given day, you can count on Big C to blast cheerful Laotian smash hits on the store’s stereo. They once played a message in English and Thai, which stated repeatedly, “Please do not leave your children unattended in the shopping carts.” This idea was extremely short lived. Although it gave Big C a sophisticated air the first time you heard it while shopping, it somehow failed on the 32nd time around.

I stand out like a sore thumb in Big C. No one can manage to pass me by without taking a peek in my shopping cart. A man once proclaimed, “Hey, you are buying too much beer!” as he walked by. Some small children look at me and just burst into tears. Others scream, “Hello!” or “Farang!” (foreigner). There’s just never a dull moment.

Big C also has little vending stalls outside where one can buy Nike products, plants, cellular phones, CDs, clothing, makeup, donuts, or jewelry. They also have these rather large mechanical dinosaurs and horses that kids can actually drive around on up on the second floor. I have been dying to go for a spin on the purple dinosaur for over two years.

Big C and most other major stores in Thailand do not allow photography inside or around their premises so, unfortunately, there are no candid shots for this issue. Me riding on the dinosaur would have been a great one though.

My favourite Big C event (besides the ‘Hokey Pokey’ phase) was the wine tasting booth they set up. Three bottles sat on a counter with miniscule paper cups next to them. In my very non-expert opinion two of the wines were not good whereas one was a good deal for the price. “Can I please buy two bottles of this one?” I asked, to which the clerk replied, “Oh, these wines are not for sale at this store.”

Buddhist amulets are popular among Thais and foreigners alike. Amulets are small images of Buddhist and Hindu deities cast in precious metals, clay, stone or other material and usually worn on a necklace. Different amulets are said to possess different powers. They can help attract the opposite sex, provide protection in battle or assist in good fortune.

Unless you are in a main shopping centre, price tags are an uncommon sight in Thailand. This is particularly true when it comes to amulets and Buddhist statues (except in major tourist areas). Thais view Buddha images not so much as works of art or objects of trade but rather as precious religious symbols to be treated with respect.

Once at a temple in Chiang Mai, a friend decided he wanted to acquire a small statue of the Lord Buddha. He was presented with papers to sign, which stated that he had obtained permission to permanently ‘rent’ the statue from the temple for a certain fee. I learned that the words ‘buy’ and ’sell’ are not used when trading amulets or Buddhist statues.

Amulets usually display a scene from the Lord Buddha’s life or commemorate Thailand’s most revered monks. Most people in Thailand wear at least one amulet, but some can be seen wearing over twenty. If a person performs a high-risk job (high-rise construction work, motorcycle or taxi driving), the more amulets they are likely to wear. Amulets give their wearers a sense of security and serve as a symbol of faith.

Although wearing an amulet is almost universally accepted in Thailand, it can be controversial among Buddhist scholars who point out that the wearing of amulets was never mentioned in the Buddhist Scriptures.

Amulet vendors are everywhere. On the side of the street, in parking lots, jewelry shops, at Buddhist temples, or near auspicious sites, the buying and selling of amulets is a popular and sometimes very expensive activity. The age, rarity, material and history of an amulet determine its worth. It is typical to see traders peering at amulets through magnifying glasses to determine their value. There are hundreds of magazines that cater to this hobby. The amulet market is flooded with fakes and making a ‘real find’ takes expertise.

Some amulets are given out for free at temples; others can be purchased for less that one-dollar while others soar into the hundreds of thousands. “The amulet market is considered one of the biggest in Thailand with sales in Bangkok alone worth more than 10 million baht a day.” (222,222 US Dollars) (Bangkok Post, March 2, 1999.)

Some amulets are true collectors items. Others, which are cast in gold and worn on a gold chain, can be turned in to a pawnshop when one needs to borrow money and be bought back at a later date (usually for a fee of ten percent of the total value).

Amulets, pictures of the Lord Buddha, or Buddhist statues should never be placed in a spot where people’s feet will be pointing at them. The way beds and chairs are arranged in a room help determine the correct area to place Buddhist images. It is respectful to keep Buddhist images on a high shelf with no other objects above them.

Thais will take offense if Buddhist images are not treated with respect but caring for Buddha images is not always as easy as it sounds. I had a photograph of a Buddhist statue I took enlarged and framed. I hung it high on the wall, above all other pictures and safe from pointing feet.

A Thai boy I know came over to visit and said, “Well, ummm, it is a very nice picture you have, but, ummm, I do not think I have ever seen a picture of the Lord Buddha in a bathroom before.” He knew I had good intentions and had made another accidental cultural blunder. Embarrassing!

The Amulet Market in Bangkok is a wonderful place to get an overview of this bustling trade and is nestled in a maze of small alleyways along the Chao Phraya River off of Maharat Road. The sheer quantity of amulets and statues available in these winding passages and small stores is mind-boggling. Fertility symbols, religious drawings, beads, jewelry and other ornamentation also clog the passageways.

I would recommend taking a stroll through this market but would warn that you will have to bargain hard. There is also no guarantee of purchasing a 200-year-old object although the vendors will try to convince you otherwise.

Permission must be obtained from the Department of Fine Arts if you wish to take any Buddhist images or antiques out of Thailand. Small Buddhist amulets can be taken out of the country without permission if they are to be used for religious purposes and hopefully be treated with care and respect.

Thais like titles. Medals, awards, certificates, and business titles are displayed with pride. The Thai military and police are extremely proud of what they do and are even prouder to be wearing a uniform (and holding the rank) that goes with it.

If a bus full of recruits cruising through Bangkok passes a ranking officer along the way, everyone is expected to stand up and salute. I’m amazed that the recruits manage to recognize the situation and react so quickly, but I have seen it happen. Amazing.

Being a notch higher up on the chain of command in any situation (both inside and outside of the military) is something to be proud of and something not to be messed with. The pecking order got out of hand recently at a rooster-fighting venue, leaving everyone there confused and leaving me with a great story.
br>The crowds at the rooster fights near my house have gotten bigger as of late. (See back issues: May 21, 2001) On Sunday there were over 30 people in attendance and the roosters were in full swing. Some people had brought along roosters from home for a ‘test run’ to see if they were good fighters.

While the novices established a pecking order, the champs kicked the stuffing out of each other. Bets were placed. Spirits were high. Just a normal Sunday.

Technically speaking, rooster fighting is not legal in Thailand but it happens all of the time. One lone policeman showed up and wanted to fine everyone in the group 500 baht. A man attending the rooster fight said to the group that the policeman was a friend of his. Everyone told the policeman that he would get no money (in a friendly way.) They thought it would end at that. Wrong. The policeman got miffed. He left and called a bunch of his fellow police buddies to come help him.

Over 20 officers arrived on the scene. Most of the people tried to run away. One jumped into a nearby swamp, another took off down the road at a highly impressive speed. He was chased by a policeman on motorcycle, caught, hit a little bit for good measure, and brought back. Everyone who tried to split was captured.

The reason for running you ask? They wanted to avoid getting caught and having to cough up some dough. The police were angry and gave a big speech about how everyone was going down to the station. Everyone was going to pay the 500-700 baht (11-15 US Dollars) rooster-fighting fine, period.

And then the absolutely unexpected happened. “But we are from the military!” most of the group exclaimed. They even produced identification to prove it. The police had a tricky situation of their hands indeed.

What was the pecking order in this situation? Some of the handcuffed men had some (but not much) rank. What to do? What to do? The military and the police don’t mess with each other out of sheer principle straight from the start.

Just for kicks, I would like my readers to sit for a minute a think of the possible solution to this problem before reading further. It will be worth it.

After some talking and mumbling and private conferencing, it was decided that everyone would be set free. But the police had to fulfill their duty. They had to do something or they would lose face. Solution?

They arrested a rooster.

The rooster belonged to the host of the rooster fight. Off they went with his champion bird. If he wants to get his rooster back, he must go down to the police station and pay a 700-baht rooster-fighting fine.

Now I seriously have to wonder. Is there a rooster sitting in prison now? And how did they book him? Will the rooster simply fight for a new master? End up as dinner? Did they issue him prison clothing? Take his picture?

I think the rooster now has a better story than I do. If he ever makes it out of his present predicament, BOY is he going to have a few good yarns to spin. He’ll head back to his flock and say, “Hey guys, guess what happened to me today!” and all the birds will fall down laughing. I personally would love to interview him.

I think that his owner will pay his fine or that the rooster will simply be returned under the cover of darkness. This story makes great material for a whole new version of ‘Alice’s Restaurant’ by Arlo Guthrie if you ask me. For those of you who know this song, give it a try. And in case you are wondering, the fight is back on for next Sunday.

P.S. I was not at this amazing event but this story was told to me by someone who was.

My first experience with Thai bureaucracy involved my dog and I. We both landed in Bangkok after a thirteen-hour flight. My canine companion was dropped off near the luggage belt, groggy but fine. I headed off to immigration officers and presented my dog’s paperwork. They told me I had to speak with the airport veterinarian. Not as easy as one might think. I followed a security guard around looking for him for over one hour.

Eventually they told me to wait at his office. Wait I did. Finally a short, heavy, smiling man arrived. He said, “What dog is your dog?” and pointed to a poster illustrating a few breeds. Yikes. My dog definitely was not represented. I panicked, pointed to a kind of hunting dog, smiled and handed in my paperwork. I was told to sit down and wait. Sit I did. He filled out form after form after form after form and after using stamp after stamp said, “Please sign here. 1,500 baht please.” I received a piece of paper, found my way back to my pooch, showed my new document to the guards, and wheeled her out of there. This was only a warm-up game for things to come.

If you plan to work or live in Thailand for any length of time, arm yourself with a large pile of passport photos of every size, shape and colour. Find your local photocopier and make friends with it and hope for the best. What it all comes down to in the end is paperwork, legwork, cash, and more paperwork.

When I use my Thai Visa card I actually earn points that can be cashed in for different objects offered in the ‘redeem your points’ catalogue. Sounded easy enough. I chose a gym bag and a bottle of wine and waited by my mailbox. Nothing ever came. It turns out that the wine had to be picked up at the main office. If you are a foreigner, your entire passport had to be photocopied and turned in with your claim. The bag would be mailed eventually and could not be picked up together with the wine. I went through with the whole painful procedure, more for spite than for the goods.

Trying to conduct interviews for Kat’s Window can also throw me into a major bureaucratic tangle. The reason why I spend so much time interviewing people on the street and not talking to people inside a company is due to amazing bureaucracy and not some prejudice on my part.

I have tried to get into an orphanage, a public school, a museum, and a supermarket, to no avail. The first person I talk to usually becomes either confused or suspicious. They find their supervisor. I repeat the story. The supervisor finds their supervisor. And I repeat the story again.

At the end of two- to four-hour run around I am told something to the effect of, “Please submit a formal request to the president/chairman/owner requesting permission to do so.” I inevitably walk away. The only way to really get in is to know someone inside the ‘machine’ who will pull a string or make a call. Actually knowing whom to call is the absolute best and most efficient way of getting most things done in Thailand.

When a colleague of mine recently reported a totally out-of-whack phone bill he’d received to a group of friends, the first question was, “Well, do any of us know someone who works at the phone company?” The answer was no. A collective sigh sounded around the room. It was going to be tricky to get this sorted out indeed.

Forget about the paperless office. Even when parking your car in Thailand you receive an oversized official-looking piece of paper that needs to get an equally impressive stamp on it if you want to exit the lot for free.

Oddly enough, don’t assume that all of the bureaucracy will let things just slip through the cracks. Despite of the piles of paper everywhere, it is rare to not be billed for something or to have Thai immigration not notice that you have overstayed your visa. And it’s tricky to talk your way out of much, especially if you don’t have the right connections. Thai bureaucracy is to be taken seriously.

A Thai man I know is soon to leave his country for the first time. He is a professional homebody and a very earnest guy. This is a huge event in his life. He plans to head to Malaysia and has already received his immigration form for when he reenters his country. The questions on it left him terrified. First time in Thailand? Length of stay? Purpose of trip? There is no box to check that says, “I’m Thai. I live in Thailand.” He’s scared to give the wrong answer and create a mess. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he cancels the journey.